Welcome to Papa Cologne’s Guide to Being a Manager!

Becoming a “boss” as it is called here in the Philippines is a very glamorous (and high-paying) opportunity.  And the best part? You don’t even have to do it right to be successful. In fact, most of the successful managers out there are boot-licking miscreants with no idea what they’re doing. Sure there are good ones, but they’re a rare commodity.

Here are some tips to become a successful manager:

1. When in doubt, impose restrictions. Motivation and trust are for lesser beings. With restrictions, all you have to do is send a memo. No research or study required. Effortless and makes you look good.
2. The only people you have to please are the upper management. Sure, good managers think of the welfare of the team, but frankly, that takes too much involvement and again, effort. Remember that as a manager you have the power to do the following:
   1. Take credit for your team’s achievements
   2. Let the team take the fall should they/you fail

So bottomline, there’s no need to care.

3. Never own up to personal mistakes. (See item number 2) If something goes wrong, it’s your subordinates’ fault. It’s when they do well that you step in and take charge.
4. Attention to detail is crucial. Always focus on small things like punctuality and hours rendered at the office. This is much easier than examining the actual output of your people. You need to be very strict about the little things to cover up for your own uselessness. Also, be very very vigilant in watching their monitors! It’s a great achievement to see people browsing non-work sites. And for the same reason earlier, it’s much easier than examining work output. These little things will give you plenty of time to “look busy” without actually doing anything productive.
5. Remember bad parenting. If you’re already a bad parent, then management should be a walk in the park for you. Do the same things. You probably still don’t realize how human minds work. Raising kids and employees are not much different.
6. *Guys Only* Speak in a deep modulated voice. Always use your deep voice when talking to people. The basic rule to follow is you use your “manager voice” when talking to higher level people or when trying to make yourself superior over your subordinates. When talking to higher ups, keep in mind that the higher the pay grade, the deeper your voice.
7. Accessorize. (by Nini) You’re going to need a smartphone and expensive coffee. The smartphone, preferably a Blackberry, reinforces your “business look” even if you take hours just thinking of a cool tweet. The coffee… well, we all know Starbucks raises your sosyal factor. And the false need for caffeine makes it look as if you’re so busy you need to stay up.

This list is a work in progress. If you have other tips for aspiring managers feel free to let us know.